My dad.
So, a couple of weeks or so to the anniversary of my dad's death, this time last year - he was home, he was waiting for news on his tests... he was feeling rough but not so bad. When it came down to it, the day he was told he only had a few months to live - he went into the hospice and then it was one week - and then he died. So sudden. I went to Truck Festival (and I will do this year), I phoned him on the Saturday from the site (he loved festivals) and he sounded better - but i didn't realise that would be the last time I would speak to him... he was good, he asked how the music was, how i was and how all my friends were and he told me to enjoy myself and to have a good time.
The Monday after Truck (27th July '10) I had a phone call at sometime in the morning (early hours) from my mum... she just said "He's gone...".
So... I know, what happened afterwards - my friends do to, I don't want to goo into it - you can imagine what it was like.
Anyway... I've sort of got used to it now, him not being here - you have to - life goes on. But I am also sat here at my mum's (and his) and it got me thinking of all the things I miss (but it's not making me cry so I have to write them down).
So here is to my amazing rock and roll dad:
I miss you. I miss you laugh mostly, the big booming laugh that everyone recognised. I miss your sick sense of humour. I miss your hugs. i miss the way you used to make me laugh. The way you used to disapprove. I miss your amazing use of swearing. i miss texting you. I miss how you used to know about new music before I did. i miss your stories of rock and roll excess but with some sort of 'moral' at the end in the hope that i wouldn't follow in the same path - but when i did - the fact you used to laugh with agreement.
I miss picking up the phone whenever and hearing your voice. I miss your jumpers. I miss walking the dog with you. I miss having massive arguments with you about stupid things. I miss hating but loving you. I miss you calling me 'Pud' and HATING it. I miss you taking so many photos. I miss speaking to you on the phone and realising you were on the loo having a poo. I miss you telling me to pull your finger (in front of people) - I can't believe I miss your farts! You and your farting.
I miss your the fact there was so much to you that no one really new - i miss you opening up to me and telling me stories of your childhood that wasn't good - I miss how you believed in me and Nicola and how you said you would be the best dad (because you hadn't had that). I miss your love for our family. I miss how you could fix anything (or at least gave it a go).
I miss your making of soup, hamburgers and curry - but I also miss how bravely you became a non drinking vegan towards the end to try and help what was killing you. But I do miss your drinking! I miss you getting pissed on Whiskey. i miss the pub we grew up in. I miss you working so hard for us - and I appreciate it so much. I miss the fact I never really told you how much I appreciated you in that respect... the fact you worked 24hrs / 7 days a week for years with no holiday... just so we could do stuff. I don't miss, the fact you thought you had failed us... when we sat there one night and you were so sad and you said you thought it should have all been better - the lack of money etc - I wish I told you more than I did that IT DIDN'T MATTER AT ALL - the fact you were there for us, money or no money - you did everything you could - your laughter made me strong.
I miss how much you did - even when you were in pain - you never complained - ever - even with your back problem - you never asked for help - you always were the leader.
I loved how much you did for charity - you raised thousands for local charities - your heart was SO big.
When I stood next to you, I felt 100 meters tall. You were strong, loving and didn't take any shit from anyone - some people didn't like that - but you liked that fact - and that is what made you stand out.
I loved the fact i found you one night after closing the pub - watching BAMBI AND CRYING - good grief! Hahhaa - you tried to cover it up. I miss the fact you were a secret massive SOFTIE!
I love the fact I could always count on you. You told me once, you would always be there for me - whenever times got tough... when ever. Then you left. But, I am beginning to feel that you might still be here. I can feel a bit of you - fuck, I still look allot like you!
I think about you every day. Every day. I don't think that will ever change. Ever. There is a HUGE GAP in the world. Our house is so empty - but I am so proud of mum - getting on with it, getting a job and everything. Minnie still misses you.
How do you tell a dog one of their best friends had gone.
I love you dad xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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